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[spacepeterpan]

Hello, you've reached the Doctor, not at the TARDIS, well, maybe at the TARDIS, won't know until I answer, leave me a message after the TARDIS engine sound if you've got one, just a "please help" is fine although more details would probably be good, whatever you can manage, and I'll get back to you, and maybe save your planet, ta!

[Followed right after by about a second of the sound of TARDIS engines, followed by the thump of its landing.

Feel free to leave a message for the (eleventh) Doctor here!]

Comments

Fax 2/2

[bigbadrose]

I don't have a problem sharing you, as much as you think, but it's still a lot of emotional overload in general. I still hate the idea of “life after and without Rose,” and I get frustrated that it's not as good for you as I want it to be. I know the hypocrisy of that, because I'll still never forgive or follow your stupid line about having a nice life without you while knowing I could have tried harder to save you or at least died by your side, but that's sort of what makes me so mad. Because if it's such a mess without me, stop hating yourself for two seconds long enough to love people more than you hate yourself! But I realize right now, especially, that that is a lot harder to do than say.

I'm not my biggest fan right now either.

Believe it or not, I know it was a no-win situation for you too. If you asked me along, no matter how often I told you I wanted to be there, maybe it wouldn't get rid of the guilt and self-loathing for needing me. So at least in sending me off, you gave me the best chance you could, and don't gotta feel like you trapped me. Or maybe you feel guilt for that anyway? But at least I'm not a constant physical reminder.

And after you got shot by the dalek, after all the near suicide attempts, I think Guitar Doctor is right that I am maybe not the best thing for you. Which hurt more than the rest I guess.

Yeah no, that definitely kills me.

I said Tie Doctor wasn't being a good friend to me, but that's not true at all. It's me. I'm not a good friend. To anyone. I hurt Amy. I barely know how to handle Martha. Mickey. Just. Mickey. And then Jack. I don't know how to do things differently than I've always done, but doing the way I do gets you trapped in life and pain and made you and Jack suicidal.

And I don't know how to fix that.

I told the dalek to self destruct, but I'd rather take that fall than let you or Jack, so I guess I'm just self-destructing enough for all of us.

Sorry.

I don't want to anymore.

Well, I never wanted to.

But I'll try harder to be a better friend without going to such life and death extremes, yeah?

Don't avoid me, don't give me space, don't treat me like a bomb about to go off – if you can avoid it. I know I don't deserve even that right now, but if you mean what you said, just treat me like Rose and I'll figure it out, okay? Don't worry.

And if you can do one thing for me, just one thing, yeah?

Don't hate yourself more than you love everyone around you. I love you most for still loving others. Even though it's hard and hurts, and they'll get lost or go away.

I'll never be as gone as you might even wish (haha?) don't hold back on account of me, but love everyone you can as fiercely you can because of me and I'll be really proud of you. Okay?

For what I want here? Adventures. Same as always. From you? Happiness, but I'll start with not making you suicidal, all right?

Grrrrrrrrr--
But don't let anyone else tell me things about yourself. That has to come from you! NEW RULE!!! I hate the “rule 1” deal, I hate the idea that you always lie, even to yourself, and it doesn't solve anything! And also, I don't want to know you the way others do! I want to know you as I know you. No matter how you change, I'll always be Rose Tyler, and we'll always be Rose Tyler and the Doctor. So if you want to know what to tell River, Amy, Martha, Jack, and the others, tell them I'll learn you from how you and me are together, because I won't accept anything else!

Even me getting mad and jealous about Jack was part of that! I don't want to know Jack through you or you through Jack! And I can't do the River thing of collecting spouses. Not even to make you happy.

Which, I know... you never asked for. So I feel sillier by the second just thinking about it. I don't know, I guess it's that overreaction thing, and thinking about why not me? Inadequacy.

And I know, it must be confusing for you and Tie-Doctor and maybe even Guitarist too, how I can be jealous and still want you to be free.

It comes down to why I asked that question on the beach.

I don't want you to give anything up.

I know you shouldn't have to feel guilty about me choosing you over my family – and I don't want you to!

I was able to tell you without conditions. Yeah, I said it too late to act on, but it wasn't with strings.

Which isn't to say he or you can't say it and mean it either.

But I don't want it said based on fear of losing me.

And more than that....

I had no interest in staying in Pete's Universe. I'm saying this in spite of my fears of you feeling guilty for it, so please don't. I'm it so that perhaps you can help your younger self understand better than I've been able to so far, yeah?

I didn't want to stay in Pete's Universe, so I barely made friends, and I certainly didn't date anyone. This isn't a slight on you for making friends or snogging others, or even getting married. Again, I am GLAD, yeah? But it made me kick myself mentally while I was still trying to get used to the idea of being in that universe, or being in this realm, and NOT making the same mistakes. I couldn't befriend anyone in the fifth dimension, well I could, but they wouldn't remember, and just die. I couldn't even really talk to people. Or use my real name.

Please don't take that away from me by feeling guilty, all right? It was my decisions, my mistakes, NOT YOURS. Not even sending me back to Pete's Universe, because it was my decision to act like a jerk to everyone in the first place, and I didn't tell you before about going against Pete's orders, or my Mum risking it all for nothing.

Point is.

I didn't snog blokes during that time, not because of you, but for them. I didn't think it was fair to them.

And after Mickey and Jimmy, I didn't want to waste my time with anyone who I wouldn't chase down through the fifth dimension, all right?

I'm not looking for that from any of you. I don't think I can trust it yet either. I'm glad you got married, but I don't want to feel taken for granted. And I know Tie Doctor doesn't mean to, anymore than I'd want him to feel that way, but still, sometimes I do. Especially about Reinette.

That's what I said that made him suicidal. That if he could only want me here because he didn't have to worry about me dying, and thought it was a second chance instead of what he'd do normally, then he didn't have that chance with me here.

He also said that he didn't envy Jack, just pitied him – which I really lost it at. And I told him he should be jealous of Jack, and I wasn't staying here for a second chance with him, but with Jack because that was taken from me. Which yeah, no, I'm NOT PROUD OF. I'm just saying it so you know what your older and younger self – err did know.

I'm sorry again for the mess of everything. And I'm sorry for not being as adult as I should be. I will still apologize to Amy and make it better, I swear. Just please understand I didn't say all that to cause mayhem, I just lost control. I guess it's a good thing you implode, because if my explosions cause this much shrapnel, yours would destroy universes, huh?

I do still love you, I'm just rubbish at showing it. Or acting calmly on, well, anything.

I hope this letter starts to make amends, but I understand if time and repairing trust are still needed, I need them too.

Love always,
Rose Tyler
Bad Wolf