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[spacepeterpan]

Hello, you've reached the Doctor, not at the TARDIS, well, maybe at the TARDIS, won't know until I answer, leave me a message after the TARDIS engine sound if you've got one, just a "please help" is fine although more details would probably be good, whatever you can manage, and I'll get back to you, and maybe save your planet, ta!

[Followed right after by about a second of the sound of TARDIS engines, followed by the thump of its landing.

Feel free to leave a message for the (eleventh) Doctor here!]

Comments

Fax 1/2

[bigbadrose]

[There's a brief giggle at his ridiculous message....]

[And then a stupidly long written letter delivered via fax. Retro.]

Dear BowTie Doctor,

Sorry for blowing up like Vesuvius. Or Mount St. Helen's. Or whatever other disaster porn site you've been to.

This isn't an excuse, and I don't want your forgiveness, and I'm not asking for it.

But I do still care as a friend, even if Amy's right, and I'm being bloody terrible at it right now.

I didn't want, and still don't want two of you. Never ever ever did.

Ever.

I have enough trouble keeping one of you from being suicidal.

Maybe you noticed.

It's a problem.

I didn't tell you what I did in the Fifth Dimension. I don't think I told anyone.

I didn't let you die.

No, I don't think you understand the scope of that, really.

Think like what I did to Jack.

Only instead of a fixed event, I manipulated everyone else, everyone human and mortal and whose timelines could possibly intersect with yours, and I made a bridge out of it.

By not letting you die.

I know it wasn't the real you. I know it's all ghosts and shadows, and dreams, and never-weres.

But you would have, if I hadn't fixed it.

Amy said it was a terrible burden to not even be allowed to die.

The first night I was here, was before Jack came. Before I found out what I did to him. So back then I thought it wasn't me, it was just the universe or fate, or that you were so good or at least unlucky that it just needed you.

After finding out what I did to Jack and all that he lived through, I pretty much snapped.

It was me. I caused the paradox by trying to save my Dad. I turned Jack immortal so he'll live to be the Face of Boe. I couldn't let you die of depression, so I kept throwing tasks in your way.

I'm sorry.

Not for doing those things, but how I overreacted to them. To finding out. I am sorry about that.

I didn't plan to save my Dad. I just reacted in the second. You thought a long time ago, that maybe I was planning all the way from the start.

I wasn't. I never did.

I didn't run away the first time you offered, because I'd already run away from school and my Mum and Micks once before. With Jimmy Stone. And that's how I wound up working at Henrick's where you found me. Jimmy got engaged to a woman named Noosh in Norway – everything bad happens to me in Norway I swear – and I just walked away.

I told your future self, Guitarist, that I'm like that.

I was jealous of you and Jack back when it was the three of us traveling together. So I called up Micks to have someone I could flirt with without feeling rejected or blocked. But it backfired pretty badly. After he got his name cleared, girls were coming around again, and he ran out on a date with one, just because I called.

I can't live with that.

I know it's a ridiculous double-standard. Because it's basically what I did to you.

Only the difference is...
everything.

When I was stuck in Pete's Universe, I wanted to be with you so much, I didn't even try to settle down there. I refused. I worked so hard to get back to you, I didn't make friends, I abandoned my family repeatedly, and I told Mickey to completely give up on me, because I was never going to stay put.

I built it up in my head. Even when I thought I was doing the right thing, I guess I expected a fairy tale ending.

I didn't want two Doctors. Never once. It's really important to me that you know that. Just like about Jimmy and Mickey, and even Jack, all right? I don't think it's anyone's fault for being born, and Amy's right about you treating yourself worse than daleks treat you. I was really scared you were going to hate him, that part of yourself so much you might shoot him out of an airlock or something. So scared, I barely talked to Jack, and I've been kicking myself since arriving here for it, because Jack deserves better than that from me.

I didn't think I was strong enough to face getting rejected by you again, or slipping backwards. Now I've had a lot of both and I can safely say, they're nowhere near the worst part.

I didn't and don't care about you being human or alien. I hate that the role of the Doctor seems to lose the real you underneath all the immortality and duty and survivor and it's really visible in Guitarist Doctor.

I chose the question I did, because it matters to me. Because I chose you over everything, a universe, my family, any life I'd ever known, and never looked backwards with regret.

I'm not hurt that you didn't chose being selfish and asking me along again, over being selfless and trying to give me the life you wanted for everyone other than me too.

And despite what Tie Doctor pushes, I would never EVER be mad at him for that. He wasn't there, or hasn't been yet. Point is, that's not why I lost it with him and we'd fight.

You and your future understand that I went through great lengths. Maybe not the part about me orchestrating the universe so you'd never die, but at least the struggle of it. Although you'd think with 3 years of talking to ghosts, I'd be better at knowing what not to say. Only not really, because mistakes there just meant trying better in the next universe.

Tie Doctor hurt me the most.

I know he didn't mean to. Of course.

But it also frustrated me that I couldn't tell him why it hurt to get him to stop. And the more he saw the hurt, the more he thought it was about his future, no matter how many times I tried to tell him, it's not.

I told your future, that yes, I am very definitely still in love with you. But that doesn't reverse things. It doesn't undo all the hurt and damage and confusion.

I'm not, and was never, and will never be mad at you for loving other people. I know that's hard to understand, because I am jealous, I am angry, and I am selfish. But I'm most proud of you when you love others. So please never stop, no matter how much it hurts, it's the best gift you can have.

Tie Doctor told me he loved me the same as Martha and Jack.

That was not helpful.

Either a lie, which I still can't really accept and wrap my heart around, or the sheer casual way in which it was said. Right after barely an hour from you not being able to say that to me – no matter how I twist the incident to be about something more or different.

I never said he should love them less. I never would.

I asked him to love them more.

But when he started treating me like a second chance that could only exist in this place, I lost it all over again.

I guess it's easy for me to externally say that about Jack and Martha for him. But I could never be that way for myself. It hurts too much. And I'm sorry, I am very weak.

I guess that's why he thought it was about his future, because every time I tried to explain it, I failed miserably.

Most fights are just over miscommunication, as you know. But I guess we're far from the exception to that too. That's why the secrets and lies make me so nervous. It just makes miscommunication easier and worse.

I'm sorry.

For everything. For being a right mess, for taking it out on you, I know this is really hard on you, and it should be on me to make it easier, and I've got no excuse for not. Just that I started doubting my course, of always trying to make things easier, of trying to make it so you wouldn't or couldn't die. Of everything.

I don't want you to be mean to River Song. I think, in a weird way, that's part of what set me off too. Tiptoeing around it. Tie-Doctor made things a lot worse when he was trying to protect me from getting jealous. That goes for you and Guitar Doctor too.

Jealousy isn't – well, it's hella uncomfortable, like awful in the moment and makes you feel less – but it isn't something to run from, I think. I think I always did run from my jealousy before. I removed myself from the situations with Mickey and Jimmy not because I was jealous, but to make it easier for everyone else, including me (see the pattern and thus: problem??) – but it still left me feeling pretty jealous, yeah?

I told Tie Doctor I will have to work on my jealousy, it is what it is. And if he is jealous and can't or won't admit it, then that pain is his to deal with for bringing it down on his own head.

But he said he wouldn't ask Reinette to the TARDIS, either because it was “too much” or he was worried I'd get jealous, and that really upset me too. Guitar Doctor said I would have hunted you down and asked what the hell you were thinking, but I have a lot of emotions regarding all of that. I don't want to hold you back. From any adventures. Especially not because you think I'll be jealous. And I don't want to be the kind of person whose weakness gets others hurt.

When I told Tie Doctor to take the chances here, so he wouldn't miss them, I meant with Jack and Martha and Reinette, and whomever else. I guess, that's my fault. I should only speak for myself and what I want, right? But I don't want to be a ball and chain holding you back, that would kill me worse than any amount of jealousy.

It does hurt though. To think that the only reason I'd be worth the risk now is because the risk is removed. Tie Doctor doesn't know and CAN'T know that it bugs me so much, I tried to explain it, why it hurt, but I think he got too focused on the what instead of the why. It hurts because of the choices we made. Me to ask the question, you to not answer it.

If I lived as long as Jack would you still have pushed me to stay with my Mum and MetaCrisis? Or if I was more TimeLord-y like River? And I guess, you marrying River did throw me for a bit of a head-loop. I need to talk to and apologize to Amy still. She's been nothing but awesome and I stomped all over that. I'm sorry to you too because I know it hurts you too. That wasn't my intention, but I should have been more in control and adult.

I didn't mention Amy's suspicions that you've seen River's end given how backwards things are between you. I'm not saying that for points because of course it shouldn't have been brought up; I'm saying it because it bothers me too. Every time any of you (the Doctor|s) act like I'm the fragile one, it's infuriating. I've seen you die hundreds of times now, and I've never gotten half as close as you do. And don't give me some line even in your head about how you regenerate, I mean die-die no regeneration, and the fact that River was programmed to kill you like that...

I'm glad you married her. Believe it or not. I am, I really am.

I'm just hurt and angry and SO MUCH of both, because it's not me.

Not that I want it to be me.

It just makes me zoom in on how I feel like I'm both on one hand not enough, and on the other, still too much.

It's a very ugly feeling, and as you can see, brought out the worst in me.

I'm sorry.

Not for feeling it, but for letting it take over.

I don't know where to go from here.

You want me to be happy, but you're kind of an idiot. I'm never even capable of being that happy unless I pull back more from you so that I don't feel what you feel or stress out so much that you're not happy, and trying to make you happy drives you as much up the wall as all this is driving me.

I know I have to pick myself up and be more like Jack. Stronger. Better. But it is much easier said than done.

I don't want to erase my memories or forget things here, but I understand why anyone else would. I wouldn't mind taking back what I said and did, but knowing me, it might just delay the inevitable for worse later.

Fax 2/2

[bigbadrose]

I don't have a problem sharing you, as much as you think, but it's still a lot of emotional overload in general. I still hate the idea of “life after and without Rose,” and I get frustrated that it's not as good for you as I want it to be. I know the hypocrisy of that, because I'll still never forgive or follow your stupid line about having a nice life without you while knowing I could have tried harder to save you or at least died by your side, but that's sort of what makes me so mad. Because if it's such a mess without me, stop hating yourself for two seconds long enough to love people more than you hate yourself! But I realize right now, especially, that that is a lot harder to do than say.

I'm not my biggest fan right now either.

Believe it or not, I know it was a no-win situation for you too. If you asked me along, no matter how often I told you I wanted to be there, maybe it wouldn't get rid of the guilt and self-loathing for needing me. So at least in sending me off, you gave me the best chance you could, and don't gotta feel like you trapped me. Or maybe you feel guilt for that anyway? But at least I'm not a constant physical reminder.

And after you got shot by the dalek, after all the near suicide attempts, I think Guitar Doctor is right that I am maybe not the best thing for you. Which hurt more than the rest I guess.

Yeah no, that definitely kills me.

I said Tie Doctor wasn't being a good friend to me, but that's not true at all. It's me. I'm not a good friend. To anyone. I hurt Amy. I barely know how to handle Martha. Mickey. Just. Mickey. And then Jack. I don't know how to do things differently than I've always done, but doing the way I do gets you trapped in life and pain and made you and Jack suicidal.

And I don't know how to fix that.

I told the dalek to self destruct, but I'd rather take that fall than let you or Jack, so I guess I'm just self-destructing enough for all of us.

Sorry.

I don't want to anymore.

Well, I never wanted to.

But I'll try harder to be a better friend without going to such life and death extremes, yeah?

Don't avoid me, don't give me space, don't treat me like a bomb about to go off – if you can avoid it. I know I don't deserve even that right now, but if you mean what you said, just treat me like Rose and I'll figure it out, okay? Don't worry.

And if you can do one thing for me, just one thing, yeah?

Don't hate yourself more than you love everyone around you. I love you most for still loving others. Even though it's hard and hurts, and they'll get lost or go away.

I'll never be as gone as you might even wish (haha?) don't hold back on account of me, but love everyone you can as fiercely you can because of me and I'll be really proud of you. Okay?

For what I want here? Adventures. Same as always. From you? Happiness, but I'll start with not making you suicidal, all right?

Grrrrrrrrr--
But don't let anyone else tell me things about yourself. That has to come from you! NEW RULE!!! I hate the “rule 1” deal, I hate the idea that you always lie, even to yourself, and it doesn't solve anything! And also, I don't want to know you the way others do! I want to know you as I know you. No matter how you change, I'll always be Rose Tyler, and we'll always be Rose Tyler and the Doctor. So if you want to know what to tell River, Amy, Martha, Jack, and the others, tell them I'll learn you from how you and me are together, because I won't accept anything else!

Even me getting mad and jealous about Jack was part of that! I don't want to know Jack through you or you through Jack! And I can't do the River thing of collecting spouses. Not even to make you happy.

Which, I know... you never asked for. So I feel sillier by the second just thinking about it. I don't know, I guess it's that overreaction thing, and thinking about why not me? Inadequacy.

And I know, it must be confusing for you and Tie-Doctor and maybe even Guitarist too, how I can be jealous and still want you to be free.

It comes down to why I asked that question on the beach.

I don't want you to give anything up.

I know you shouldn't have to feel guilty about me choosing you over my family – and I don't want you to!

I was able to tell you without conditions. Yeah, I said it too late to act on, but it wasn't with strings.

Which isn't to say he or you can't say it and mean it either.

But I don't want it said based on fear of losing me.

And more than that....

I had no interest in staying in Pete's Universe. I'm saying this in spite of my fears of you feeling guilty for it, so please don't. I'm it so that perhaps you can help your younger self understand better than I've been able to so far, yeah?

I didn't want to stay in Pete's Universe, so I barely made friends, and I certainly didn't date anyone. This isn't a slight on you for making friends or snogging others, or even getting married. Again, I am GLAD, yeah? But it made me kick myself mentally while I was still trying to get used to the idea of being in that universe, or being in this realm, and NOT making the same mistakes. I couldn't befriend anyone in the fifth dimension, well I could, but they wouldn't remember, and just die. I couldn't even really talk to people. Or use my real name.

Please don't take that away from me by feeling guilty, all right? It was my decisions, my mistakes, NOT YOURS. Not even sending me back to Pete's Universe, because it was my decision to act like a jerk to everyone in the first place, and I didn't tell you before about going against Pete's orders, or my Mum risking it all for nothing.

Point is.

I didn't snog blokes during that time, not because of you, but for them. I didn't think it was fair to them.

And after Mickey and Jimmy, I didn't want to waste my time with anyone who I wouldn't chase down through the fifth dimension, all right?

I'm not looking for that from any of you. I don't think I can trust it yet either. I'm glad you got married, but I don't want to feel taken for granted. And I know Tie Doctor doesn't mean to, anymore than I'd want him to feel that way, but still, sometimes I do. Especially about Reinette.

That's what I said that made him suicidal. That if he could only want me here because he didn't have to worry about me dying, and thought it was a second chance instead of what he'd do normally, then he didn't have that chance with me here.

He also said that he didn't envy Jack, just pitied him – which I really lost it at. And I told him he should be jealous of Jack, and I wasn't staying here for a second chance with him, but with Jack because that was taken from me. Which yeah, no, I'm NOT PROUD OF. I'm just saying it so you know what your older and younger self – err did know.

I'm sorry again for the mess of everything. And I'm sorry for not being as adult as I should be. I will still apologize to Amy and make it better, I swear. Just please understand I didn't say all that to cause mayhem, I just lost control. I guess it's a good thing you implode, because if my explosions cause this much shrapnel, yours would destroy universes, huh?

I do still love you, I'm just rubbish at showing it. Or acting calmly on, well, anything.

I hope this letter starts to make amends, but I understand if time and repairing trust are still needed, I need them too.

Love always,
Rose Tyler
Bad Wolf