![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
spacepeterpan
Hello, you've reached the Doctor, not at the TARDIS, well, maybe at the TARDIS, won't know until I answer, leave me a message after the TARDIS engine sound if you've got one, just a "please help" is fine although more details would probably be good, whatever you can manage, and I'll get back to you, and maybe save your planet, ta!
[Followed right after by about a second of the sound of TARDIS engines, followed by the thump of its landing.
Feel free to leave a message for the (eleventh) Doctor here!]
Re: 11/20 Action
Date: 2018-12-15 10:30 pm (UTC)...never once have I given up on you, any of you.
[A brief pause, and he continues.]
...and I saw Jack again, before I regenerated. Gave him a parting gift, well, gave myself a parting gift. Seeing you lot alive and well and happy one more time before the end...
[He's getting sentimental just thinking about it, and shakes his head.]
I didn't give up on you, I wanted to remember you at your best, tell myself y'didn't need me anymore. Second time Jack left, third time Martha left. Ev'ry time I missed them, and ev'ry time I was glad, over the moon, that they had something they wanted to go home to.
[Because he knows, and certainly knew back then, just how absolutely priceless home and family are.]
Re: 11/20 Action
Date: 2018-12-15 10:39 pm (UTC)[Her eyes fill up with tears again, and she tries to keep them from getting any bigger.] Yeah.
S'how I am too...
[Nope, gonna cry into your shirt with a hug. Deal with it.]
[Because the unspoken part is well... who's there to hold his hand? He let Donna say she would be, even knowing she couldn't. Where does the Doctor get to want to go home to? Want to RUN TO? She wasn't running away from home, she was running TO HIM, like she still does. Even now. THIS SECOND. But where does the Doctor run to?]
[And then there's a tiny resurgence of guilt about telling herself that her parents didn't need her anymore, HOW MANY TIMES HAS SHE DONE THAT? OH RIGHT. EVERY CANNON JUMP....]
[And even the Doctor... didn't she tell herself he didn't need her as much as Meta? Not really, she knew it was a lie. Or maybe he needed her to believe it and be with Meta and that's sad too and --]
[Now she's really bawling again.]
[She's fine. Seriously.]
[Except for the tears. Spaghetti all over the floor, that is.]
[And Fluffy... needs her a lot. And 12 pretends he doesn't need her, but he doesn't pretend he doesn't want her, and her head is spinning, and what does Rose want and need and why is it even divided if the Doctor is just the Doctor?!]
[She's fine....]
[ish.]
Re: 11/20 Action
Date: 2018-12-15 10:53 pm (UTC)...euuhh, always hugging and crying, you lot...
[Not that he's about to stop hugging her just because it's a bit overly-emotional and a bit gross. He pets her back soothingly once more, after just a moment's hesitation
and maybe another moment's worrying she'll get his jacket sopping wet with tears and human boogies.Besides, a bit of goofiness can be disarming, and distract people from what's troubling them.
He wonders for a moment if she fully follows what he was trying to give her--that he wasn't just trying to save her life, or save himself from losing her in a more final way, but to give her something he didn't think he could have anymore.
At least, not until Amy and Rory and River.]
...it gets better, I promise, just... takes a while, and can't say there's no stumbles 'long the way, but it does.
[...his next face notwithstanding.]
Re: 11/20 Action
Date: 2018-12-15 11:08 pm (UTC)[Still clinging. And it's a valid question because she LIKES Guitarist.]
Re: 11/20 Action
Date: 2018-12-15 11:21 pm (UTC)How can he answer that? And in particular, how can he answer it without upsetting her?
He smiles weakly after a moment and shakes his head slightly.]
......I believe it. ...eventually. I've made... mistakes, before, some I've been trying to fix for centuries, point is, I know I've had... rough patches, before, shouldn't be surprised if I will again.
[...he's obviously holding back and understating, but that's about the nicest thing he can say about his future self, just now, and he's only sanitizing it this much for Rose's sake.]
Re: 11/20 Action
Date: 2018-12-15 11:24 pm (UTC)You're being too hard on yourself. Again.
The world doesn't end if the Doctor dances, yeah? That goes for other things too.
Re: 11/20 Action
Date: 2018-12-15 11:26 pm (UTC)Re: 11/20 Action
Date: 2018-12-15 11:27 pm (UTC)[Gently whaps!] I meant cut yourself some slack!
Re: 11/20 Action
Date: 2018-12-15 11:48 pm (UTC)...whot-.. ...euuhh I don't mean that.
[FFS why is it always like this with humans?! He shifts his stance uncomfortably for a second, sticking his hands on his hips. It's awkward enough thinking about Rose getting shippy-clingy on him but on his future self...
He shakes his head, wincing a little, and tries to keep himself relaxed, avoid rambling, but the growing tension's hard to miss as he clarifies his meaning.]
......when he was having seizures, after Christmas, when I tried to help him... I saw some of his memories, couldn't be avoided, I saw some of what he did--will do--what I'll do, with that face.
[Dangerous thing, foreknowledge... not just for the possibility of paradoxes, but because nothing gnaws at the soul like knowing you'll do something you'd be ashamed of, and knowing you can't stop yourself.
...but he knows she likes his future self, even if it stings--not out of jealousy, exactly, but because he sees so little of himself there, now. It's a bit chilling to imagine that one of your dearest friends mostly likes you for what you consider your worst qualities. But he can't really make that point to her; he doesn't want her feeling guilty about how she feels.
Most of all, he just wants to know his future self's record with Clara and River isn't going to apply to Rose, as well, but he can't really say that, either, can he?
He's quiet a moment, looking like he's trying to figure out what to say for himself, then laughs a bit hollowly and shakes his head.]
...just... don't depend on me, Rose, any of me. Not pushing you away, stand as close as y'like, always, but I want to know you're standing on your own, as well.
[Another tick and he raises his eyebrows, smiling wryly as he clarifies his metaphor.]
...that you won't fall, if I let you down.
Re: 11/20 Action
Date: 2018-12-16 12:10 am (UTC)[Finally she drops to just holding his hand and gives it a gentle squeeze and leans up to kiss his cheek.]
[What to say. How to say it? She was hurt so much more trying to let him go. Both of him. Any of him. She didn't have to try that with this Doctor. But trying to sacrifice herself, her wants, her happiness for everyone else. Amy almost got it, but not quite enough in time. Too many people assuming she was just a child throwing a temper tantrum to try to get everyone else to cave to her, when she was trying to throw away what she wanted for the happiness of everyone else.]
[Guitarist stopped being with her when he first repaired things with her and Fluffy, so that there wouldn't be conflict. But it was Rose who insisted on seeing him every day. And when River went back, she just meant to make sure he wasn't lonely, nothing more. And maybe he was missing River. And it kills Rose a little. Life after Rose. She's happy for it. Glad for it. Love is always good. And she does love Fluffy, even as mental as he is, and drives her crazy.]
I've fallen a lot of times now Doctor. [Gently squeezes his hand, smoothing her thumb over the top and gives him a wry grin.] But I always get back up. What worries me about Guitarist isn't when he gets dark and moody like Fluffy at his worst -- though believe me, that scares me plenty. [Deep breath, eyes closed.] It's when he doesn't want to get back up.
And he knows it. All our worst fights are over that. Because it's like I don't even let him have a choice in it... and I don't know how to. And maybe it's because I'm only twenty something. And maybe Jack gets it, but Jack's been through hell and more, and still gets back up. Maybe because he doesn't have a choice either.
I'm gonna fall again. [Eyes open and gently on the Doctor's.] But I'll always get back up, and I'll always want to help anyone else get back up even if I go mental trying. At least... this way, right now, I'm not trying to take down a brick wall with my bare hands. Just ease the hurt from... what made him fall in the first place, yeah?
[FACE SCRUNCH!!] I think that's what you were sayin', about how I made you better after the war? I wasn't trying to do nothing, just be there, keep you company, be me, but um... I think that's what he needs right now.
[Her shoulders tremble, and her grip on his hand gets a little tighter and she shakes her head, bordering crying again, just shivering.] I don't know what Fluffy needs. [Almost a whisper.]
like ten years later
Date: 2019-04-07 10:02 pm (UTC)He can barely find anything of himself in that weathered, fierce, sour old face; neither does it surprise him to think of that face giving up, nor can he imagine the reason as anything more than "moral failure," which might be true but isn't very helpful. He just shakes his head at that, despite a slight but visible wince at that reminder of what his future promises to be like.
And really, how much more can he actually say about his younger self? It's not exactly helpful (or entirely objective) to say he needs to regenerate into someone more sensible.
He squeezes Rose's hand lightly, the free one reaching up to rub his face absently with an exasperated sigh.]
...can't promise it's going to help, I'd say what he need's perspective. Two sure ways I know of getting perspective, one doesn't happen overnight, and the other doesn't really work, here.
[His smile gets a bit more bittersweet at that.]
As for Old Man Time...
[He hesitates a moment. His impulse is to say he doesn't know enough, but he has a guess or two.
Not that they're guesses he can really share with Rose.
If she thinks he's too hard on himself as is, imagine if she heard him say what he really thinks about his future self! There's probably a glimmer of it in the way he grimaces for a second before speaking.]
...well, like I said, I've made my share of mistakes... always believed I could do something about them, fix them, or at least do enough to make up for them, or that if I couldn't, I at least had to try. ...I wonder if there's not a point, though, where you might worry trying just makes it worse. I s'pose then you either step back, take a holiday, and try to see where you've been going wrong, or you give up.
[He glances off to the side, then down at the floor, then at her hand holding his.]
......never thought I'd be the giving up sort, not properly giving up. ...tried once, you know, when I... ...when I had a 'specially bad day, couldn't quite make it stick, though. Old habits. ...and friends to help see me through, as always. Him, though...
[He trails off again and shakes his head. What can he really say?]
But always worth it! <3
Date: 2019-04-08 01:41 pm (UTC)[She mentally flinches at the words. Is she making things worse??]
[No, talking about himself?]
[Definitely.]
[The future. Clara. Missy.]
[Patience.]
[Rose gently hugs the Doctor around the middle.] He's got me.
Maybe it's not enough. Maybe it doesn't count if it's here, not there. He got back Gallifrey and exiled Rassillon to the void though. There's hope. Lots of it. He just doesn't want to. But I'm more stubborn 'n all o' you, yeah? [Tiny grin, trying to cheer Bowtie up.]